Blog #4

(This is a blog for me to help vent, so please don’t be alarmed at the theme of this post as I am not asking for attention but just to be heard. I deal with my problems by being creative whether it is writing, doing artwork, and/or entertaining others)

I am sitting here right now wanting to write something of interest, but so far I’ve got nothing. They say whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, but I don’t know about that anymore. I feel like what hasn’t killed me perhaps made me wiser, but I feel no stronger because of it. Some times I wonder if there is something wrong with me, but then I remember what kind of world we live in. Even with my mental health diagnoses, ED habits, and overall perception of the world I think I am a pretty normal person. With that being said I am so tired; I am mentally drained and am starting to feel hopeless. There are times where I get an overwhelming burst of happiness and positivity, and then the next second I am crying and I don’t even know why. This sporadic and unpredictable way of living is something I have grown accustomed to, and yet years later I still find myself struggling to get out of bed and live life.

I know my behavior affects those around me and the people I love. I am so used to bottling up emotions inside me that naturally I automatically repress them until I forget. Even if it’s for a little while. My memory is either fading or I am suffering a side effect of stress. I couldn’t of possibility grown stronger from what hasn’t killed me as I am living in fear of important things. I am terrified of getting the surgery I need because of how stressed I get. Hell very minor work was done and I had to stop before it nearly started because I started having a meltdown. Without dwelling on the subject too much I just want to point out it isn’t only those in the military that suffer PTSD, though it is very common for soldiers to get it. Anyone can get PTSD if put through enough trauma. Don’t worry, I won’t get upset at “triggered” jokes as things rarely insult me anymore and I have a sick sense of humor.

My only way to deal with this is to create things. I have lived my life making art in one form or another. I have taken singing and art related classes from elementary through high school. Even today I go to school for art because it is such a large part of who I am. I like to engage peoples minds and make them think about what is presented in front of them with artwork. I use the word art to generalize the many crafts I like to dabble in since there isn’t just one. I am so afraid that getting a degree in Game Art and Design won’t get me anywhere, not that just that the job isn’t in demand but the horrible school I got caught up with as well as not having time to build a portfolio for myself. Even when I get the time I wallow in self-doubt of my creative abilities.

Also, if I had to spend the rest of my life streaming like I have been I would do it no questions asked. My time on Twitch.tv so far has been an absolute blessing and I can’t believe the amazing individuals I have befriended. I want to touch people; I want to make them feel something from my streams and my work. I have been so inspired by so many people that if I had the chance to inspire someone I would do it all the time. I don’t exactly consider streaming an art form, but it is a good platform to do artistic things. But how can I inspire someone when I can’t even motivate myself to get out of bed?

Then there’s just living in general. Money hasn’t been a concern of mine for a while because of a blessing and a curse that happened to me, but one day my blessings will run out. Will the immense amount of college debt I acquire be worth the degree I will get?

Paragraphs later I am still sitting here almost in a daze of tunnel vision. What am I doing? What will come of me in months or years to come? Today I was reminded again of just how sudden life can be taken away from you. My heart aches at the very thought of it. My emotions have affected those I love, and to those it has affected know I am very sorry. My head isn’t always clear, my heart isn’t always strong, and my soul isn’t always with me. Just know that I still have some fight left.

 

Update June 22nd 2014

Hello again!
The spring quarter has ended so I am officially on break! It is weird after having so much work that needed done a week ago to me doing nothing now. It seems odd now but it is sinking in that this is exactly what I’ve been needing. The past few weeks have put me under the kind of pressure I never knew I was capable of handling, but here I am.

So anyways, I plan on getting back to my regular hobbies, such as gaming and exercising in due time. I have been feeling exceptionally lazy the past few days but have still gotten some gaming in. Right now I am playing a game that I have been waiting forever for
, called “Murdered: Soul Suspect”,and plan on writing a review as soon as I beat it.

It is funny going to school for game art and design, then playing a game after you have learned the inner workings of how a video game is made. I hate to admit it but I hope that by turning a hobby into a career doesn’t eventually make me loathe gaming as a hobby. I would like to try and avoid becoming a cynical gaming critic, who acts like they deserve to tell game developers everything they did wrong and how horrible their existence is. I swear gamers can be the best fans one second and the worst the next.

Any who, I plan on being more active in the gaming, streaming, and blogging community. It really helps to converse with those who have a similar interest as I do. I have also been obsessing over DIY projects such as being able to make my own lotion, so I will more than likely blog about that as well. If I can figure out the best way to organize my blogs so the gamers don’t get forced to read through the DIY stuff and vice versa that would be cool.

Thanks for reading!!!

Blog #3

The weather has been throwing us some crappy curve balls lately, and I can’t help but wonder if the weather is a metaphor for our emotions. It sure seems like it lately, with all of the ups and downs and all arounds of my mental well-being from day to day.

When things are up, they are amazing beyond words, but when they are down instead of finding myself in a state of depression like I used to, I find myself rather confused and desperate to avoid all situations that induce stress, which are things that might not even be considered stressors to some. I am lucky to have an incredible support system in the form of an amazing man and a loyal best friend. Not to mention all of the other people who offer to lend me a hand on a day to day basis. Yes, overall I am very blessed indeed, however, you cannot have happiness without sadness(a quote I hold dear to my heart).

My mother and I aren’t always on the best of terms, though mothers and daughters aren’t usually, and it stresses me out. At times I feel like I have a large tumor attached to my hips that grows heavier and heaver. I hope I don’t regret saying that, for I love my mother very much. Though I dislike my uncle very very much, there was one thing we unfortunately have in common and it took a huge toll on his life. I must take this information with stride but still follow my heart with what I believe is right.

General Update

When I began this blog, my original intentions were to write game reviews and discuss anything involving gaming. However, I believe I have found another purpose for this blog while still using it for what was originally intended. I have noticed a lot of people use blogging as a way to write a virtual diary, in fact that may be its very definition. My reason now is to express anything and possibly everything that I tend to keep bottled up inside of me. I have the tendency to repress most emotions and memories until there is no more room for them, and have them all spill out at one time. My guess is that this isn’t a healthy habit, and trust me I have tried different ways of handling strong/negative emotions to what you can assume is to no avail. Most stressors that happen in my day to day life happen because I let it happen, and because I wasn’t strong enough to prevent it. For me, a lot of what I feel is unnecessarily stupid, and if I was smart enough to think otherwise I wouldn’t have to suffer. I would rather endure physical pain than be alone with my mind for more than I can take.

Okay well I guess this is where the blog can get “personal” so to say. For example, I do NOT handle rejection very well. I am a 22 year old woman who wants to bash her head into the concrete if I sense the tiniest bit of rejection. I obsess… OBSESS over my body and weight. It is something I fret over every second of every day of every week of every month of every year. I am really not exaggerating here, it’s very pathetic. Aside from that, a very loved friend of mine who was very close to my heart passed away from what people are telling me is suicide, though nothing is written in stone. Perhaps I will elaborate on the story in another post, for now I am just generalizing.

I suppose anyone would feel shitty if they felt they had no purpose. Don’t get me wrong here, I don’t have a shitty life, I love my life. I love the people in my life and I feel very blessed to be where I am today. I feel like I have some sort of purpose to be alive and it isn’t clear but all I know is I want to make people happy in any way I can. If you are a friend of mine reading this, you may have been one of the people I have recently tried getting in touch with. I just feel like everyone in this world needs to know that someone thinks about them and care for them. I didn’t do that with my recently deceased friend, and now I am paying for it. I suppose this guilt doesn’t really help my feelings at all. I have been experiencing panic attacks or small remnants of what could turn into one and it has been driving me up the wall. If you have ever experienced massive amounts of anxiety it is very possible you understand where I am coming from, and it sucks.

Lately I have felt alone, and have been desperately trying to surround myself with friends to keep myself from feeling that way. It helps for a bit of course, but I feel like the solution to my problem is out of my hands. I am not getting enough hours at work due to a pay cut, but school starts soon so hopefully I can focus my thoughts on school and not unimportant matters. I find other ways of finding relief from depression and anxiety, like drawing and walking. Sometimes it helps sometimes it doesn’t, and sometimes it just makes it worse.

I guess what I can add to this is if you experience depression and/or anxiety, just know that you are not alone, because there is nothing worse than feeling alone when you don’t want to be. There is no way I can make people happy if I, myself, am not happy.