Blog #5: The ramblings of a melancholy rose

“I find myself getting into these patterns of behavior or thought – especially when I’m stuck up here [in my head]; I like to say that ‘this is like a bad neighborhood, and I should not go walking alone.” – Chester Bennington

“We should totally catch up sometime and get a drink!” How many times have you heard that exact phrase or a variation of that phrase before? How many times have the plans actually been made? Why do we say things like this with no plans on ever following through? Why do we make work friends but when it comes to outside of work there’s no contact? Is it just to remain civil with one another? We lie constantly about these things. Plenty if people are guilty of this and so am I.

Given every person who has said this to me I should have a lot of friends, but I do not. Now these blog posts have the soul purpose of being a place where I can vent or speak my mind. I am not asking for sympathy and I am certainly not having a pity party. But there are many people who claim to like me but very few ever reach out on their own time. Now of course, I can blame myself for this as well. I have become increasingly more socially awkward and anxious over the last few years. I get these weird bouts of being uncomfortable in my own skin then maybe an hour later I don’t care what others think and am happy.  Some can say this is a sign of having Bipolar Disorder. It would explain why I can be debilitatingly depressed one moment and running around the house dancing naked the next. My mind is a very strange place to be in. There are several instances where I just shut down and go completely numb. Usually at some point when that happens it ends up becoming depression and the cycle continues. What I want to admit is this: I am learning to be comfortable alone. But sometimes being by myself can be a scary ordeal. I am constantly trying to distract myself so my mind doesn’t wander too much. This isn’t a new thing by the way, I was diagnosed with depression somewhere around the age of 12 or 13. In my experience it never really goes away and can get better for periods of time. It is heart breaking to know some people don’t consider mental illnesses something serious unless they can see it. Can you see someone having a chronic migraine? What does a migraine look like? If your answer is “the person appears pained” that is not what I am asking. Does someone who is depressed not look pained? While it is true many people mask their depression quite well, there are moments where it shows. Our brain has evolved and developed over millennias and we are creatures who can feel things and think of things never imagined by any other species. We live in a cookie cutter lifestyle: We work to make money so we can live. We live to work and work to live. That is the typical human lifestyle. How utterly boring. Depression being a thing really shouldn’t surprise anyone. Our brain continues to evolve and suddenly now this lifestyle is not enough to fullfill the humans need to succeed and thrive.

Now that that is out of the way, I can admit that I am someone who feels that. That, and having the feeling of being completely alone can be a whirlwind of emotion that can break the will of even the strongest of minds. I believe this is why social media is so addicting. We can feel like we are more relevant than we actually are with every like, upvote, or share we get. Amazing how selfies and cat pictures can’t go unnoticed in one way or another but an obvious cry for help is completely ignored. Then suddenly, someone shows they care with a generous comment on your post and that’s enough to get you by. Someone was made aware of your feelings. Though this person may be someone you never met, or maybe this person you have met but once again never talks to you in person.

“You can talk to me about anything! We can discuss over drinks sometime”

But it never happens does it? The internet is full of attention whores and virtue signalers but amazingly enough nobody actually gives a damn. 

I don’t expect change. 

I am learning to be happy alone. 

Lets see where that goes.

Advertisements

First Vlog and Update

Hey guys! I wanted to make a video for you guys instead of a written post because I feel like the reason I haven’t been too active lately is too important to try and fit into a blog or a twitter or discord update. I just wanted to make sure that you guys know that I am okay and as each day goes on I learn to live with the fact that someone close to me has passed away. Like I say in the video, we don’t “get over” the death of someone we love, but learn to keep going on with our lives.

I have had incredible support throughout all of this from close friends and family as well as the amazing Twitch community. You guys make get up every day worth it and always bring a smile to my face. I love you all and see you soon!

Watch the video here!

Twitch Channel: http://www.twitch.tv/theladypwnage

Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/theladypwnage

Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/theladyhpwnage

Discord Channel: https://discord.gg/0hOBM49Mm42iUofV

Twitch Live-stream Makeup Creations!

Picture 234

From time to time I include my other passion into my Twitch live streams, Makeup! I have been a crazy makeup lady ever since I was 12! It wasn’t until recently I started being a tad more creative with my makeup. By creative I believe these images speak for themselves! This page will be updated as soon as new looks are made.

If you are interested in helping out I have set up an Amazon Wishlist that consists of all makeup items. If you decide to help out, it really means so much not only that you donated but that you see my work worth giving to!(http://amzn.com/w/1ES7A1303N94C)

 

Picture 264Picture 265Picture 266Picture 267Picture 269Picture 270Picture 271Picture 272Picture 273Picture 279Picture 280Picture 281Picture 282Picture 283Picture 284Picture 285CQn-1r9UEAA_zy6CQn-4qRVEAAhAgqCRzUxqkUsAAh1qiCTh3MfqWIAAsptsCTh3MTfWcAAXzdVCThFQH5UcAAej8zCThGIW_WEAATszBCTRmD7cWsAADeE1CTrypKzWUAA9E5KCTsMLCOWEAAmlsyCTYMPSYWoAAg4_ECUA_w3qVEAAshxuCUA_wrqUEAE_N4mCUifcWLUAAA3GguCUIx-x-WUAABb8eCUYVMUSWEAE3tl2CUZcLqfUAAAYlF-CUZcLqhVAAAMGrICUZcLqhVEAE10KrCUZcLrLUYAEIOtf\Picture 245Picture 252Picture 248Picture 253untitled-1

First donation goal was hit!

It would be a lie if I were to say money doesn’t help. However I never expected to be given this opportunity to get myself such a piece of luxurious equipment because people have donated from the goodness of their own heart. I always tell my viewers that one of the best things they can do for the stream is to spread the word, and it’s free! But of course, if someone wants to donate I won’t exactly reject it! I am just being honest, and in all honesty I never thought I would get the support that I have gotten thus far. What we have is an incredible community consisting of kindhearted people from all over the world.

Untitled-1

Below is a list of all the people who have contributed to the donation goal and how much in total. Thank you all so much for making this dream come true.

-WookieeMario $160.00

-sistik123 $55.00

-Angel_6571 $45.00

-DonnyFresh $45.00

-ConkyJ20 $40.00

-Splicer45 $25.00

-Sam17101 $20.00

-Ov3rfield $15.00

-Aquamatey $15.00

-AllisonRoadGame $10.00

-mottci $10.00

-MattC2388 $10.00

-captainxdanger $5.00

-beanburrito420 $5.00

-ZombieVomitz $5.00

-bRAD2333 $2.50

-ilovekillbill $2.00

-FNA $2.00

-Theundeadguy $1.00

The reaction video

GamerGate and my opinion

Emilie Goralski's photo.
Emilie Goralski's photo.
As a gamer who happens to be a female, while extremely late to the party, I feel like I should speak my part on the matter. What matter? Well first let me say this is my opinion derived from my own personal experience, so I am just voicing an OPINION. The matter of “feminists” invading the gamer community with some kind of bull about how video games are demeaning blah blah blah.

As some of you know, I have been an avid gamer ever since I was 5 years old. Since the very beginning video games have played a role in my life since my early years all the way to today as a 24 yr old. As I got into my early teens (maybe earlier) I started to feel self conscious about my body as well as just myself in general like most girls. But not once have I ever felt like I wasn’t good enough because of a video game character. In fact, the common example these “feminists” like to bring up is the whole “Hero saved the Princess” trope, saying that the Princess wasn’t good enough to save herself. To be honest, I saw it as the Princess having power over the Hero. Think about it, the Hero goes through how many dangerous tasks to rescue her? If anything she has power over him! I have never felt less of a person because of a video game in my life.

If anything, I have wanted to better myself due to video game characters. Seeing strong female game characters kicking butt really encouraged me to become stronger myself, and to start working out. But feminists do not recognize female video game characters as strong or empowering. Basically what they are saying is that characters like Samus, Lara Croft, Jill Valentine(All Resident Evil females), Lightning, Alyx Vance, Elena Fisher, Faith Connors, Clementine, and Ellie are not strong, positive, and intelligent female video game characters. Just to paint a picture of how ironic this is, I attached two photos of last months Game Informer(taken from Imgur) of Anita Sarkeesian in an interview talking about the very same issue of there not being any strong females in video games. On the cover was a picture of Claire and Moira from Resident Evil Revelations 2, who are extremely strong and empowering.

This whole “feminazi” bullshit is getting extremely out of hand, and in all honesty, is making women gamers(and women in general) look like EXACTLY what they are fighting against; weak, whiny, and can’t hold their own. They act as if they are the only people who are affected by body image, which I then would like to ask, “Have you ever seen He-man, Batman, Superman, or Captain America?” I guess not. As for being over-sexualized, yes it gets annoying here and there with many impractical sexual attires but it never made me feel like I was a lesser gender in any way.

So anyway, I felt like I should talk about it since I am a female who has been around games her entire life, and has never personally felt demeaned in any way from video game characters and themes. I grew up surrounded by strong women AND men, so while I did feel self-conscious and had very low self-esteem(not due to games), I have overcome it now that I have matured, and I suggest those women, “feminazis”, stop playing the pity card and mature as well.