“I find myself getting into these patterns of behavior or thought – especially when I’m stuck up here [in my head]; I like to say that ‘this is like a bad neighborhood, and I should not go walking alone.” – Chester Bennington
“We should totally catch up sometime and get a drink!” How many times have you heard that exact phrase or a variation of that phrase before? How many times have the plans actually been made? Why do we say things like this with no plans on ever following through? Why do we make work friends but when it comes to outside of work there’s no contact? Is it just to remain civil with one another? We lie constantly about these things. Plenty if people are guilty of this and so am I.
Given every person who has said this to me I should have a lot of friends, but I do not. Now these blog posts have the soul purpose of being a place where I can vent or speak my mind. I am not asking for sympathy and I am certainly not having a pity party. But there are many people who claim to like me but very few ever reach out on their own time. Now of course, I can blame myself for this as well. I have become increasingly more socially awkward and anxious over the last few years. I get these weird bouts of being uncomfortable in my own skin then maybe an hour later I don’t care what others think and am happy. Some can say this is a sign of having Bipolar Disorder. It would explain why I can be debilitatingly depressed one moment and running around the house dancing naked the next. My mind is a very strange place to be in. There are several instances where I just shut down and go completely numb. Usually at some point when that happens it ends up becoming depression and the cycle continues. What I want to admit is this: I am learning to be comfortable alone. But sometimes being by myself can be a scary ordeal. I am constantly trying to distract myself so my mind doesn’t wander too much. This isn’t a new thing by the way, I was diagnosed with depression somewhere around the age of 12 or 13. In my experience it never really goes away and can get better for periods of time. It is heart breaking to know some people don’t consider mental illnesses something serious unless they can see it. Can you see someone having a chronic migraine? What does a migraine look like? If your answer is “the person appears pained” that is not what I am asking. Does someone who is depressed not look pained? While it is true many people mask their depression quite well, there are moments where it shows. Our brain has evolved and developed over millennias and we are creatures who can feel things and think of things never imagined by any other species. We live in a cookie cutter lifestyle: We work to make money so we can live. We live to work and work to live. That is the typical human lifestyle. How utterly boring. Depression being a thing really shouldn’t surprise anyone. Our brain continues to evolve and suddenly now this lifestyle is not enough to fullfill the humans need to succeed and thrive.
Now that that is out of the way, I can admit that I am someone who feels that. That, and having the feeling of being completely alone can be a whirlwind of emotion that can break the will of even the strongest of minds. I believe this is why social media is so addicting. We can feel like we are more relevant than we actually are with every like, upvote, or share we get. Amazing how selfies and cat pictures can’t go unnoticed in one way or another but an obvious cry for help is completely ignored. Then suddenly, someone shows they care with a generous comment on your post and that’s enough to get you by. Someone was made aware of your feelings. Though this person may be someone you never met, or maybe this person you have met but once again never talks to you in person.
“You can talk to me about anything! We can discuss over drinks sometime”
But it never happens does it? The internet is full of attention whores and virtue signalers but amazingly enough nobody actually gives a damn.
I don’t expect change.
I am learning to be happy alone.
Lets see where that goes.